Ayahuasca / All In My Head / Mother of All Purges / A Hell of a Journey \\\
It is impossible to fully describe one's ayahuasca experience - I'll try

My experience was a fairly unique one. Trust me when I say it was not in a good way... one ceremony facilitator told me that out of 500 or so ayahuasca ceremonies that he's witnessed in his life, he's seen less than 10 cases like mine.
What is my case, you ask? It is this: I did not purge Mother Ayahuasca within the first few hours after ingesting it. I did not purge her at all during the entire 4 to 5 hour ceremony. In this time, I experienced some visual hallucinations but far short of what I expected, short of the stories you hear.
It was only until after the ceremony, and after having been in bed for at least an hour, that I woke up seeing colours and geometrical patterns spinning my visual field into a frenzy - and then I knew I had to throw up. However, by this time, the brew had left my stomach and entered into my intestines. As a result, I dry heaved nothing. At this failed attempt, I managed to walk, staggering sickly like a zombie, to the toilet.
This is where my two experiences diverge. After the first ceremony I was able to purge Mother Ayahuasca through pooping. However, for the second ceremony, I was also dealing with constipation.
Stuck in my body, Mother Ayahuasca was furious and searching for escape. In the process, she tortured my senses. She kept my head spinning and disoriented. I heard her tribe in the distance, a combination of a constant low hum with some rhythmic drumming, coming to attack my village. She weakened my body to the point of surrender; I barely had the strength to move.
In this state of everything is impossible, my mind was grappling for sanity. I talked to myself. I lost composure. Sometimes, a sane monologue would return to my head. At other times, I nearly broke down and started to cry. Desperate, with no solutions, I crawled several times between my bed and the toilet, stopping along the way to sit on the floor; the very definition of insanity itself.
Darkness took over my mind. At one point, I had fleeting hallucinations of people I cared about disintegrating into skeletons. Zombies and other demonic figures floated in and out of my peripheral consciousness. At one point, I felt the darkness wrap itself around me like a blanket... and I embraced it. I became one with it. I wondered if I was made of darkness itself.
My mind, strangely clairvoyant, in this way rambled on and on / my body, physically tortured, endured on and on / and Mother Ayahuasca pushed on and on / and on and on like this, we endured this dysbiosis \\\
Eventually, Mother Ayahuasca summoned a way out. She submitted me to fits of dry heaving and, with every gag I felt the brew being pulled up out of my intestines and back into my stomach, where I finally threw it up. Impossibly, Mother reversed my pathways of digestion to force an escape route.
Eventually, I also fought through my constipation to eliminate most of the blockage down there. She still hummed and drummed in my head, making what's left of her presence in my body felt. But, almost 2 hours after waking up, enduring a physical and mental torture I had never before experienced in my life, I finally felt enough relief to get some sleep \\\
The next morning, I explained it all to my wonderful facilitators over breakfast. After much wise support and encouragement, I took to rest my still weakened self. But Mother Ayahuasca wouldn't let me rest. The breakfast riled her up, and she spun me back into nausea through the morning.
At one point, I felt ready to wretch the rest of her up. I found the toilet and gagged... nothing came out. But it felt like I purged something invisibly, because Mother seemed finally satisfied with my efforts, and made no more complaints. She quieted her humming and drumming, and I spent the rest of the day resting in relative peace.
The next morning, the second after the ceremony, I woke to very faint humming and drumming, impressed by Mother's persistence. But as soon as I got up, I made a toilet break to finally purge myself of her completely. And so ended my physical journey with ayahuasca \
They say that Mother Ayahuasca does what it needs to do for you, shows you what you need to see. Despite my reservations about this sentiment, Jhon, pictured above, who witnessed around 500 ceremonies in his life, convinced me that this applies still to my situation; that Mother doesn't discriminate. Despite my unique relationship to Mother, and the adversity that ensued, I learned a lot about myself and my own ability to endure and struggle. The second ceremony drew closure on the first, which left more questions than answers.
Jhon convinced me to accept what Mother did for me in the end, and I eventually did come to accept the results for myself. After this deeply humbling experience, I had an amazing week to wrap up my 2 and a half month trip to South America. And after that week I felt very ready to go home and return to find some grounding. \
